The good kind of pain?

I am sore like woah, it's a good thing I work upstairs and am up and down them all day, wait, I reversed that.

On Wednesday I went to http://thedaileymethod.com/. They just opened a new location 3 blocks from my house and I figured if there was a worthwhile class walking distance from my house then there was no excuse. And I've only heard good things about it; people say you can really see the difference. I can see why, if it really is going to tone all the muscles I am newly aware of thanks to the pain, then I should be rip, roaring hott in no time. The class was hard and really pushed my muscles hard, but I think I will still need to supplement with cardio on my own (and stop eating ice cream). I'm putting two days between class one and class two so hopefully I don't die, I hope to do it more frequently than that. It's really what I've been looking for in terms of something that will strengthen and increase flexability like yoga will without out all the meditating.

Here's to kicking it up a notch.

What defines a transformation?

I started thinking about this because one of my favorite websites (modcloth.com) is running a contest about blogging about transformation, which I am already kind of doing (http://blog.modcloth.com/2009-07-09-announcing-the-terrific-transformations-contest?=6_9_transformations), and as much as I would love to win the cashola, I thought it would make a good blog entry anyways.

So what is my greatest transformation.

Dictionary.com has the following definition:

1. the act or process of transforming.
2. the state of being transformed
3. change in form, appearance, nature, or character.



As the first two are kind of self-defining, let’s go with number three. Looking at just change in form and appearance, than maybe this contest is my biggest transformation. Not only does my body look different but it has forced me to dress differently as well. I like to think it’s because I’m trying to be more girly but the truth lies somewhere between that intent and the fact that none of my pants fit. As the weight came off I began to be a bit more daring with my fashion choices, things that make you stand out rather than blend in; my green polk-a-dot dress decidedly does not blend in, neither do the feathers. It feels kind of superficial to define my greatest transformation as I lost a lot of weight though. Moving on, or maybe moving in, does my greatest transformation then become the lessons I learned from dating an asshole in college, or from spending time in Croatia? I feel like I’m still in the middle of my greatest transformation. I’m still learning far too much about myself, what I want to do and who I want to be; the person I am today is still evolving into the person I’m going to be tomorrow, next year, at twenty-ten (shudder), anything is possible.

It;'s time to get neurotic again

I am a slacker, I admit it.

I made this great push with round 1, did great, and now I'm doing nothing. I'm not gaining the weight back, but I'm also not losing weight. I am frustrated with myself. I know I can do it if I just buckle down, but I have had so much else going on that I haven't made it a priority, and I know I should and that I need to. Traveling and boys and being sick are just excuses, and I can't keep making them.

So here are my resolutions:

1) I will put EVERYTHING in fitday.com - If I can get obsessive about entering things in again I will eat better.

2) I will work out at least 5 days a week.

3) I will not beat myself up about feeling like a cow, I will just work harder.

4) If I have to obsess about how weird boys are, the treadmill is the perfect place to do it.

5) I will not stress/emotional eat.

6) No more desserts, except for cake on my birthday.

7) I will start doing yoga again, I miss being bendy.

My Longest Relationship

As the people in my life come and go, my relationship with food has been a constant. I know it needs to change, but old habits die hard.

I know I use food as a crutch, as something to quell the anxiety. Maybe it's becuase food is always the same, and there is something comforting about that. A taco is a taco, and it will continue to be a taco, smothered in guacamole goodness. It will always bring me a moment of joy no matter how crazy life gets. On a bad day when nothing is going my way and I have to pick between a salad that is good for me or a taco I know I love, I go to the taco every time. I wish I was one of those people who turn to exercise when stressed or frustrated, those people that have a bad day and can just run it off, instead I turn to food. This has to change, it's not the right attitude to have.

Everything I read says to think of food as fuel for your body, and that's it. That mentality handles the emotional eating, but I feel like this disregards the social aspect of eating though, because that is another whole issue. Dates, friends, even business meetings, all seem to focus around food, going out and getting a meal, socializing over coffee and scones. Often when I "diet" I feel like my social life suffers because I don't want to test my will power by agreeing to eat at places like California Pizza Kitchen where I can see all the yummy pizzas and avocado egg rolls but have to limit myself to a small salad, there is no fun in that. So do I offer to start cooking for everyone? That's a lot of work and can get pricy, plus I hate doing dishes.

So where does this leave me? I have no idea, I know I need to change, but I'm not in love with the solution yet.

Who's idea was this?

And why is typing to very hard?

I am a wreck, I very clearly need more sleep than this. This weekend was kind of epic in a number of ways, including epic diet/work out fail. I don't think strawberry sangira and seven layer dip are on the list of foods to eat if you want to lose weight, but they are oh so tasty. There was also very little sleeping this weekend which has me all screwed up. Then there is the fact that someone, I don't think it was me, decided that swimming at 6 AM this morning was a good idea, so good in fact that we are going to try to do it for the rest of the summer. Here's hoping 6 AM becomes a less painful time, somehow I don't think it will.

I've been having a hard time getting back on the diet horse. I have one excuse after another, oh I'm going on a date, oh we're having a BBQ, oh Dan's coming to town just to get burgers; I need to stop making excuses and just suck it up and utilize a little will power.

I am Augustus Gloop

At least I am stuck like him.

You all remember that scene right? Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, and not the Johnny Depp version, Augustus has fallen into the chocolate river only to be sucked up the large pipe where he becomes thoroughly wedged in the pipe and the oompa loompas sing about how fat and greedy he is.

I feel like I am wedged in the same 2 pounds. Up 2, down 2, up 2, down 2. It's getting quite old. I can only hope that as Augustus finally unstuck and went shooting up the pipe, so will my weight go shooting down. I may have to give up the tacos for that to happen, at somepoint I will stop saying next week.

The point of a blog is to write about you life.

So while this may not be entirely weight loss related, it is in a larger sense of things. So talking about my insecurities is hard, but most of you that read this are family, or might as well be, so I hope you’ll love me anyways.

Most of the time I am happy with who I am and what I look like. That wasn’t always the case. High school was hard, as it is for most people; I was surrounded by tiny girls that dated up a storm and I generally always felt inadequate.

Then I took this low opinion of myself to college. Eventually I found myself in a relationship that was good for the most part, until it wasn’t. Looking back, I know I stayed in it because I was afraid that if I broke up with him I wouldn’t find anyone else. In the end, it was pretty ugly, but when it was finally over I realized how much the relationship had only been reinforcing my insecurities. Then and there I decided I deserved better. Through that and an amazing group of friends, I learned that I can say “I’m awesome and any guy would be lucky to have me just as I am” and really mean it. And yes, I would like to lose weight and be thinner, but if that doesn’t happen, life will still be great.

This week I have found myself slipping back into my old, self doubting habits. I have a date on Saturday, and in my head it’s a pretty big date. All of the other dates I’ve been on have been with people I don’t already know and don’t have a pre-existing friendship with, guys who I know that if the date doesn’t go well, I never have to see them again. This date is pretty much the opposite of that, we currently hang out a lot, and it’s a given that the hanging out will continue even if the dating part of things doesn’t. Given that I was the one that finally said “let’s have dinner” the running commentary in my head has been something like “why in the world does he want to have dinner with you?” And my friends can say “because you are amazing” until they are blue in the face and deep down I know they are right, but there will always be that voice in the back of my head screaming the doubts.

Sometimes I wonder if the quest to be the “perfect” size only reinforces those doubts.